An unconventional blessing

February 9, 2010

They say that losing a child is one of the most devastating things one can endure.  Having experienced this loss, I believe that to be true.  Hosanna made me the happiest and saddest I’ve ever been.  How can something so small, something that has only existed for a few months have that strong of an impact on someone?  Hosanna has changed my life, and although I’m sad now, I hope that when I look back on this time with her, I will be remember the joy that she brought me.

God gave me a gift – a precious and amazing gift.  She may have just been with me for a short time, but I know that I wouldn’t trade that time.  That might sound strange for me to say, but I love her so much and there is no way I would say I wish I never knew her.  She is my baby, and even though I never got to rock her to sleep or feed her, I love her.  Even though I will never hear her cry or laugh, I love her.  I love her in a way I never knew possible.  I love her more than I love myself.  God chose to take her away from me, and I don’t know why.  But even so, I don’t regret loving her, I don’t regret all the moments I had with her inside me.  I don’t regret the physical pain of delivering her, and I don’t regret the tears I’ve cried for her.

Sure, I’m not going to say I don’t wish thing could’ve been different.  I’m not going to say I’m happy with the way things turned out.  But if I had to choose between this pain and never knowing Hosanna at all, I would choose the pain.  I’m not sure I would’ve said that two weeks ago, but now that I’ve made it through the worst part of this experience, I would say that I’m grateful for the blessing that Hosanna was…and is.  No, she’s not a conventional blessing (if there is such a thing), but she has taught me more about love, sacrifice, and selflessness than anyone or anything ever has, and quite possibly ever will.

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One Response to “An unconventional blessing”

  1. Amy Perdue Says:

    This reminds me of how much Jesus loves us Julee an how much he suffered for us because he loves us before we were born. I love you Julee. I can’t imagine your pain and suffering.


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