It’s over. Or is it?

February 9, 2010

I have to say right now that I’m doing better than I thought I’d be doing right now.  After hearing the news of Hosanna’s condition two weeks ago today, I had thought that I’d be a total mess even now.  I am thankful that God has brought us this far.  This weekend, while it certainly brought its sadness and tears, brought with it a sense of relief.  All last week, Friday hung over our heads as an inevitability to be dreaded.  Right now, while I know there is much grieving yet to be done, I am thankful that this part of our journey is behind us.  It carries with it the possibility of moving on and of seeing better days ahead.

After my daughter’s birth this weekend, with the mental and emotional toll it took on me, I find myself exhausted and weary today.  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, but I also find myself weary of grieving.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m tired of being sad.  There is a large part of me that wants to get beyond this as soon as possible and get on with our lives.  I want to feel like myself again.  I understand why a lot of people want to stuff their grief in a suitcase and sit on it.  But I know if I do that, it will come back when I put my guard down.  I want to escape, but I know I can’t.

As I face what uncertainties lie ahead, I take comfort in knowing that God, who, in the process of redemption, weaves good from evil and order from chaos, grants us the opportunity to do the same.  It’s been said that children can teach their parents as much as parents teach their children.  Hosanna, in two weeks, has gotten more people praying than I ever will, and has taught me more about how a love so strong can sometimes cause pain.  She has taught me what a wonderful, amazing, and faithful woman her mother is, and how I wouldn’t want to be going through such an awful time with anyone else.  And I’m sure there are many more things to learn along the way.

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One Response to “It’s over. Or is it?”

  1. Tommy Says:

    Jason, your strength and faith are inspiring. I will continue to pray that you find peace.


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