One Week

February 12, 2010

It’s been one week since Hosanna was born and died.  I look at her pictures every day.  I imagine holding her every day.  I cry a little bit every day.  But still I feel myself slipping back into a sense of normalcy.  I’m able to laugh more and be silly more.  I’m so ready to feel normal again.  I will never forget Hosanna, and I don’t want to.  But I do want to be happy.  I do want to feel joy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad all the time.  There are moments of laughter and happiness.  But those are sandwiched between sadness and pain.  That’s what I want to go away.

I’m planning on going back to work on Monday.  I know I need to do it, but I’m scared.  If I had a job that wasn’t so emotionally draining, it wouldn’t be so bad.  But being a special education teacher has it’s own strains and stressors.   I’m nervous for the first time one of my students hits me or scratches me.  I’m nervous for the first tantrum I endure.  I’m nervous for the screaming.  These things are emotionally draining in and of themselves, but put on top of the emotional weakness I’m already experiencing….I’m nervous as to how I handle it.  I don’t want to break down in the middle of my classroom.  I don’t want to lose my patience with my students.  But I’m afraid I won’t be able to go back to the teacher I was.  I’ve been changed, forever changed, and I’m scared how that will affect me as a teacher.

I have amazing bosses and staff who care deeply for me, and I know they will support me and help me through it.  And for that I am incredibly thankful.  Going back to work will hopefully bring that sense of normalcy I’m looking for.  And maybe getting back to work will help keep my mind off of the sad things.  I just pray that I will be able to dedicate myself to my students in the way I did before.  I hope that I will be able to focus on things.  I will need God’s strength to help me get through the days, and I know He will help me.

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