Two Weeks

It’s been two weeks.  I have mixed feelings about it too.  I’m sad, and of course, still devastated at the loss of my daughter, and I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since losing her.  But that fact that it’s been two weeks means we’re two weeks healed.  It means we’ve moved forward two weeks…we’ve survived two weeks.  It means we’re two weeks closer to giving Hosanna a little brother or sister (however far away that may be).  I still miss her so much and no that will never go away no matter how many weeks pass.  This week was the hardest week since finding out we would lose Hosanna.

I tried going back to work on Monday, and it was way harder than I thought it was going to be.  I didn’t make it a full day at all this week.  I was worried before going back that I would be way sensitive to the kids hitting me or tantrumming, but it didn’t even have to get to that.  I cried in the car on the way to work.  I cried when I got to work.  I walked around like a zombie.  I couldn’t even play with the kids.  It was so hard just to be there.  I knew it was going to be hard, but it was nothing like I ever imagined.  I guess going back only one week after losing Hosanna was too soon.  But I think it may always be “too soon”…and I’m eventually going to have to do it some time or another.