Easier…not really

March 1, 2010

Everyone keeps saying, “every day will get a little easier”, but that’s not my experience.  Every day is its own day.  Every day is different.  But each day is not easier.  It seems as if I take a step forward one day, and two steps back the next.  There’s been two okay days in a row, and then the third day I get knocked back down.  Just when I think I’m starting to feel a little better, it hits me a again.  I don’t know what to expect from moment to moment.  Sometimes I can be having a good time, and then a thought of Hosanna enters my mind and I get overwhelmed.

I’ve never experienced such a life altering tragedy, so I’m not sure how I’m going to continue grieving.  Each day I battle with myself.  Should I be more over this than I am?  How long will I be so sad?  When will I stop crying so much?  Should I see it as this…Gosh, it’s already been a month…  or  Wow, it’s only been one month…?  All I know is that I’m not over.  I’m still grieving.  It’s harder, but easier at the same time.

I’ve learned to not expect too much from myself.  I shy away from having too much confidence in being better.  Not that I’m not confident that I can’t or won’t have better days…I’ve just learned that I can’t assume that because I have one good day, every day from there on out will be a good one.  When people ask me how I’m doing and I say I’m doing well or okay, I always want to tag on, “right now”.  Because I may not be doing so well if they were to ask me again in 10 minutes.

But I guess, overall I’m doing pretty well.  There are still hard moments, many of them…and I know that’s okay.  It’s okay to cry.  It’s okay to admit that I’m hurting.  It’s okay to not be 100%.  It’s okay to not be okay.


One Response to “Easier…not really”

  1. Donna Shannon Says:

    You are right, my sweet Julee with 2 ee’s. It’s definitely okay to NOT be okay! You hang in there. One minute at a time. SOOOO many people praying for you guys. You are amazing!

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