Because I know tomorrow is coming…

March 4, 2010

Several people have expressed concerned (and rightfully so) for me and my emotional/mental health recently.  I know my blogs and Facebook updates have not been the cheeriest lately.  I’ve come to realize that the only times I’ve been posting updates have been when I’m down, BUT I wanted to reassure everyone that I am not always down (although, if I was, I think it would be somewhat justified).  Mostly, the only times I’ve felt the need to write something have been moments of sadness.  However, there have been several days of being okay, if not good.

Yesterday was a good day…I felt somewhat like my old self.  Work was good.  It was the first day I didn’t cry at some point.  For the most part, I felt comfortable working with my students, and I actually had moments of confidence (which used to be common).  After leaving work, I had a reassuring doctor’s checkup, wherein she told me that everything looks good physically, and that what I’m still feeling emotionally is completely within the realm of normal grief.  We left that appointment with much relief.  Today has been a good day, as well.  The sun is shining and there’s a hint of spring in the air.  Although this morning I felt a little uneasy, the day has turned out to be a good and peaceful day.

With that said, tomorrow may be a harder day, and I’m prepared for that.  Tomorrow is March 5th, which is one month from the birth and death of our sweet Hosanna.  In some sense, I cannot believe it’s been a whole month, but in the other sense, it seems like she’s been gone for an eternity.  I am geared up for it being very tough tomorrow, but I have felt more hope in the past couple of days, so maybe it will not be as tough as I expect.  But, if it is is as tough as I expect, I know it’s okay to cry.  It’s okay to take a few steps backward if need be.  But I also know that’s okay to pick myself and keep going, and that does not mean I love Hosanna any less.  Moving on with my life does not mean I don’t miss my baby incredibly much.  But I can’t be sad forever, what good does that do?  I can choose to let myself feel happiness (which I have).  I can choose to let myself have hope for the future (which I do).  I can choose to get on with life…and I do choose to get on with life.

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One Response to “Because I know tomorrow is coming…”

  1. Erica C. Says:

    You know, I used to blog a lot, and I did the same thing. I blogged when I needed to vent or just to get the negative feelings out of my system. I think blogging is cathartic in the same way that keeping a diary can be. Blogging could *be* your therapy. You seem to have a very healthy handle on things, which is much more than I would have. Just know you guys are very loved and prayed for daily.


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