Is it couth to quote Chumbawumba?

March 16, 2010

“I get knocked down, but I get up again.  You’re never gonna keep me down.”

I never thought a song like “Tubthumping” would ever come in handy during the biggest trial of my life.  But that’s the line that keeps running through my head during some of the most difficult times.  Who new some of the most comfort could come from a song about getting drunk?  No, really…I find most of my comfort from more inspirational songs and passages from the Bible, but I find it humorous that I often find myself humming the Chumbawumba tune.

This past week has been the most difficult one since discovering we were going to lose our baby.  I think it’s gotten harder because I expected it to get easier…if that makes any sense.  I thought that by now (or much earlier), I would be better.  I thought I would be able to live my life with Hosanna as a memory.  I didn’t know things were going to be this hard or last this long.  Now, I know in the grand scheme of things, it hasn’t been that long.  But to me, it feels like I’ve been in pain forever.  I have had trouble remembering when I felt happy and difficulty seeing the happiness that will come again.

Last week I fell harder than I’ve fallen before.  I had four really good days, and then I got knocked down so hard, I thought I had broken every bone in my emotional body and that I couldn’t get back up again.  I had moments (many of them) when I felt God had abandoned me.  I felt that He was throwing dirt in my eyes, water up my nose, and salt in my wounds.  He was trampling on me…at least that’s what it felt like.  There were a few days there when I really couldn’t gather myself together.  I mean, I had a few minutes, sometimes hours, when I felt okay…but even during those times, I had this looming feeling of despair.  Those were the darkest days.  That’s when I really felt like the sun wouldn’t shine again.  That this was going to last forever.

But then those days passed, and the sun did shine.  It’s shining right now!  Spring has come, if for no other reason than to give me hope.  God has pulled me out of the depths of my pain.  God sent amazing people to me.  My husband, my mom, my dad, my in-laws and all my family, my church, my friends, my boss, my coworkers, my counselor.  Anyone in my life has helped me.  You have helped me!  Even if we’ve never met, you’re helping me right now by reading my ramblings.  Thank you for helping me feel the sun.  Thank you for bringing God’s love to me.  Thank you for letting God use you…even if you don’t know that He is!  If you’re in my life, if you’ve helped me…you’ve been used by God!  Thank you.

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