A new normal

April 16, 2010

So, I made through a whole week of work for the first time since losing Hosanna!  I feel like this is a huge milestone in my journey.  To some it may seem like a small feat, but to me it’s very big!  Going to work has been one of the most difficult parts of my grieving process.  I’m not sure why work was so hard, but for some reason that is the place most of my anxiety decided to lay.  This week was the first week when I didn’t wake up every morning thinking, maybe I’ll just quit work.  This week I actually enjoyed going to work (minus a few minor speed bumps at the beginning of the week).  The past few days have been the first days when I didn’t wake up in a panic about going to work.  The first few days when I didn’t have to force myself out of the apartment in the morning.  These past few days have been very hopeful for me.  I really feel like I’m getting to a new normal.

It’s be two-and-a-half months since losing Hosanna.  I miss her every day.  I fear the future of being a parent (or rather, the possibility of not being a parent) almost every day.  I’ve cried at least a tear or two every day.  BUT the good news is – those things don’t dictate my day.  I can have my tearful moments, but still have a ‘good’ day.  Like this morning, I cried on my way to work over something I heard on the radio that reminded me of Hosanna, but I got out of the car, went into work and had a great day!  These are great things!  Sure, I cry.  Sure, I have moments…but that’s just it, they’re just moments. Not a whole day or days.  I praise God that I am truly getting back to a new normal.  And that I am truly feeling good.

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